My Funeral

Last night while in the coffee shop, the conversation arose about how you would want your funeral if you could plan it yourself.

This is based on an idea by Carmen!

Here goes with my funeral arrangements.

I would want everyone to wear red (my favorite color), NO BLACK at all.

Before my body is cremated I would want a boob job and a tummy tuck. Got to look good for the guys from Ghost Adventures. If I don’t have a tummy tuck all the fat will cause a huge explosion and I will be forever burning, kind of like heartburn! Then I would like to be propped up in a nice sexy pose so I can over look the party.

The party would take place at my favorite camping place, everyone knows where that is, in July. I don’t care when I die but you have to keep me on ice until July when I can see my friends partying their asses off one last time.

The food would be all of my favorite and only rum, khaluha and of course beer would be served. The food would be served on silver platters and everyone would have a silk napkin with a crystal plate.

There would be a karaoke machine there and EVERYONE would sing my favorite songs. I want a continuous song playing in the back ground, and that is Bitch - Marideth Brooks.

I want everyone to tell a story about me that is funny, I have plenty, so you should too! I want to know what made you like me in the first place, I have been curious about that all these years!

I want the guys from Ghost Adventures there because I have a message for them. I want them to bring the talk box and not that stupid radio frequency thing. They can use the infrared camera to take pictures of me, trust me they will be awesome pictures.

I want a Bagpipe band walking along the beach playing LADY IN RED. I am going to look up their kilts and see who is really into the spirit and who exactly needs their spirits rising.

I want the Ringling Brothers Circus to perform there with lots of clowns. Everyone hates clowns and I do too so this is my parting shot and knocking them down and them going WTF! Plus they will be sad and make everyone cry. I want red handkerchiefs for everyone to wipe their eyes and snotty noses on. Lots of tears are to be shed at this party.

I want people to sit down for the reading of the eulogies in the order that I liked them. Awesome up front, Tolerated next then why the fuck are you here at the very back!

Awards will be given out to the most creative costume/clothing a person wears, so be creative. You will also get an award for the biggest lie about me told; I will be listening so make ‘em believable and you might just win something. Now that’s something to tell your grand kids!

I want all red flowers, real flowers not the dollar store ones. I don’t care how far you have to travel to get me a dozen of every red flower in the world, just do it! I might be dead but I will still KNOW and haunt you if you don’t! I want everyone to have lei’s of red roses, complete with thorns to remind that that I am still a pain in their neck!

I want a memorial of my life to be placed on top of the highest mountain around here and big enough for everyone to see it down in the city. I will be standing there with one hand in the air flipping everyone the bird. They will name that mountain range after me. Ladybugs Mountain Range! It has a nice ring to it actually LOL

{start quote} Quote from Carmen's post
I want something called a Rosetta Tablet put on my grave/urn area. It is a new thing for the computer age that lets people scan this tablet thingy with their smart phones and then read up on my life story. LOL. {end quote} ME TOO!!

I want hundreds and hundreds of ladybugs released at my funeral. You can buy them here www.thebuglady.ca She sells 250 adult ladybugs for $15.00. I want hundreds and thousands of them. Start saving! NO ONE had better squash these or I will attach myself to you as well! And I can promise you will not like that at all!

Just remember, I might be dead but I can still see you and you can not see me. How embarrassing would that be to have me pinch your bum when you are having sex? Pretty creepy eh? Naa it is damn hilarious!

So, in closing, remember my last paragraph and carry out my final wishes and you wont be getting your bum pinched during sex…by me anyway!

I WILL be watching!